( theme song playing )
*
Well?
Forget it.
You'd need a division of armor to attack that camp.
We couldn't get near it.
The elite guards, machine guns,
land mines, the whole works.
Oh, blimey.
I hate to say die, sir,
but I'd rather say it than do it.
My men are ready to attack
as soon as you give the orders, Colonel.
Forget it.
Forget it?
My brother's in there.
You couldn't even get close.
That place is a regular fortress.
Are you afraid?
Afraid?
Yeah.
Look, it's not a matter of courage.
Trying to rush that camp now would be suicide.
My brother is to be executed day after tomorrow.
I say the time to act is now.
Look, leave it to me.
I'll get Hans out.
But how?
I said, leave it to me.
I don't think...
Colonel isn't a man
to say something he doesn't mean.
Don't worry, mate.
The governor always has a marvelous plan.
I will wait till I hear from you.
Right.
All right, let's get this car back to the motor pool
before Klink finds out it's missing.
Then what, sir?
Then we start trying
to think of this marvelous plan
which I happen not to have at the moment.
What time are they supposed to execute Hans?
0800 tomorrow.
Doesn't give us much room.
Colonel Hogan,
Commandant Klink wants to see you
in the office at once.
All right, Schultz.
You guys try to stall, huh?
We may need this car later.
Right, sir.
Colonel said stall.
Stall?
We should do a job right no matter how small it is.
Hey, morally, you make a commitment
to clean a man's car and...
Colonel said stall.
Hogan, where's my car?
You promised it would be parked and waiting for me.
It is not parked and waiting for me.
Why isn't it, and where is it?
Well, I...
"8:00," you said.
"Promise?" I said?
"On my word of honor," you said.
"8:00 sharp," I said.
"Not one second later," you said.
Did I say a.m. or p.m.?
It is now 9:30.
Colonel Klink, I want you to know
I understand your annoyance.
Oh, I understand it, too.
But what I don't understand is
where's my car?
Well, let's be fair now.
Do you by any chance recall what you wanted done to the car?
To have it washed.
And waxed.
Don't shrug off the toughest part.
Do you know how long it takes for a good wax job?
25 minutes.
25 minutes!
I've never heard anything more ridiculous!
Hogan, I have to pick up General Burkhalter
at the station in 45 minutes.
General Burkhalter? Yes.
Your car will be ready.
Without fail?
Put yourself in my hands.
How long would it take you to wash that car?
Oh... Oh, ease up, Schultz.
We're going as fast as we can.
Cor, blimey...
All right, come on, quit the stall
and get this car washed and waxed. On the double.
Move it!
Oh, we get better treatment from the enemy.
Thank you, Newkirk.
Schultz, you better
get over to Klink's office.
Tell him his car will be ready in ten minutes.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I mean, Klink...
Oh, you know what I mean!
Sir, what do you mean...? What's happening?
Klink's got to pick up Burkhalter at the station.
This is one time we're going
to give him all the help we possibly can.
Who cares about General Burkhalter?
The German High Command.
If he should be captured by the underground,
we'd be in a very good position for a trade.
NEWKIRK: General Burkhalter
for Hans Wagner?
Right.
Kinch, radio Karl Wagner.
Tell him to set up an ambush
on the Hammelburg Road.
Klink and Burkhalter should be starting
back here about 12:15.
12:15. Right.
And, uh, Kinch? Yeah?
Tell him to hold Burkhalter
till we work out the details.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Let's get this car washed and waxed.
I'll help.
( train whistle blowing )
Schultz, I can't understand
why the General wasn't on that train.
It isn't like him to be late for anything.
No, it isn't.
That's one thing I must say in General Burkhalter's favor,
not that I haven't got a lot of things
to say in his favor, but...
Schultz, stop your weaseling.
Like all of us, the general has his good points,
as well as his faults.
Yeah.
What do you think my faults are?
Oh.
( laughs )
I wasn't talking about you, Herr Kommandant.
You know, Schultz, the trouble with you is,
you're afraid to say anything you think.
Filled with fear.
Frightened to express any kind of opinion.
Oh, no, Herr Kommandant.
I talk about you all the time
when you are not around.
Oh, shut up and drive.
( horn beeping )
You men, get the car off the road.
SCHULTZ: What's the matter with you?
Can't you hear good?
My hearing's fine.
How's your eyesight?
Right now, 20/20.
You, out of the car.
Schultz, just drive around the car.
Get out of the car, I said!
If you want me to get out of this car,
you're going to have to drag me out.
( soft groan )
You are assaulting a German officer.
That is a very serious offense.
Give this message to the Gestapo.
Jawohl.
Schultz, why are you sitting there?
You wait five minutes
and then get that message
to Gestapo headquarters.
Schultz, do something!
Yes, Herr Kommandant,
I'm going to do something.
I'm going to wait here five minutes
before I deliver this message.
Four minutes, 59 seconds.
Four minutes, 58 seconds.
( car beeping )
( tires squealing )
SCHULTZ: Everybody after them.
After them.
They kidnapped the commandant.
SCHULTZ: They kidnapped him...
Did Schultz say what I'm hoping he didn't say?
That crazy kid brother must have grabbed
both Burkhalter and Klink.
Then I threw myself in front of the Kommandant,
since it was my duty to defend him,
even at the risk of my own life.
Then why are you still alive?
Because the man said they're going to shoot me
if I didn't get out of the way.
Did he say why he did it, Schultz?
No, but he gave me this.
Must be some kind of a ransom note.
I bet the underground wants to make a prisoner trade.
General Burkhalter and Colonel Klink
for Hans Wagner.
Burkhalter? They got him, too?
Yeah, with Colonel Klink.
Didn't they?
You went to the station to pick him up.
Yeah, but he wasn't on the train.
So we were going back to see if he's here.
This note says
they will trade General Burkhalter for Wagner.
They've mistaken Klink for General Burkhalter.
Colonel Hogan?
What made you think they had General Burkhalter?
Don't ask me.
I can't think when my stomach's turning.
If you do not let me go,
I shall break out of here myself!
They haven't made a wine cellar yet
that can hold me!
Guard?
Guard?!
( door opening )
( door closing )
Karl, he's knocked down the door.
Oh, no. He's sound asleep.
Probably a sudden draft blew it down.
But he could escape.
I think Burkhalter has more sense.
Excuse me?
I'm not General Burkhalter.
You have to be.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Here's my identification.
You're lying.
I don't think so, Karl.
He doesn't look like
he has the brains to be a general.
True.
That's absolutely true, Fraulein.
"Colonel Wilhelm Klink."
Colonel, huh?
Oh, oh.
Oh, that is a promotion I did not deserve, sir.
I did not deserve it, no.
I believe you.
And obviously,
you have some very influential friends, yeah?
Influential friends?
Oh, oh.
Oh, my friends don't mean anything.
I mean, they are farmers...
shopkeepers,
factory workers.
Oh, all my friends are nobodies.
Even my enemies are nobodies.
I am a nobody.
I have failed, Ilse.
We go after a general,
and we get this nobody colonel.
He's of no use to us at all.
Well, in that case, I better go
before I wear out
my welcome.
You stay right here.
You're not much, but in some small way,
I'll avenge my brother tomorrow.
Why don't we shoot him today?
Huh?
You're going to shoot me?
Well, since you are not important enough
to be exchanged for my brother, why not?
Oh, you're wrong.
You're quite wrong.
Uh, I was being modest.
Actually, I am considered one of the general's
most important men.
Well, who besides you considers you this, huh?
General Burkhalter does.
We've become fast friends.
I'm really more than just his friend.
Uh, we have what you might call a father/son relationship?
Now, when he hears about this,
your brother will be out like a shot.
( footsteps approach )
I mean, very quickly.
Message from General Burkhalter.
Ah, from Papa!
Didn't I tell you?
Y-You should have asked
for a thousand in gold more.
I'm a real catch.
"Hans Wagner will be executed tomorrow as scheduled."
Schultz, I want you to describe the man
who gave you this note.
Well, he had, uh, black boots, and...
Never mind how he was dressed.
What did he look like?
A German Luger.
Major Hochstetter,
I'm glad I caught you before you left.
I won't be leaving for three days.
Yeah, but you'll probably be too busy then.
He is busy now.
General Burkhalter, what train
did you come in on?
I didn't come in on any train.
Well, Colonel Klink thought
you were taking the Berlin Express.
Just because he's afraid to fly,
he thinks everybody else is, too?
That Dummkopf let me wait at the airport for two hours.
Certainly is annoying, General,
but I've got something much more important
to discuss right now.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
Of course you are.
I've never seen you
when you are not interrupting something.
Well, what I have to say will only take a second.
All right, Hogan.
What is it?
Well, I understand
the underground will release Colonel Klink
if the Gestapo frees Hans Wagner.
Isn't that what they're demanding?
Yeah, that's what they're demanding.
Klink goes free if Wagner goes free.
I certainly call that a fair deal.
Yeah, so would I,
if I were on the other side.
Hans Wagner is the brains
of the entire underground operation.
He's highly intelligent, courageous, and a leader.
What about Colonel Klink?
What about him?
Well, he's also a man
of outstanding qualities, right, Schultz?
Absolutely.
Such as?
( laughs ): Oh, there are so many.
Name one.
Well, there are not that many.
The execution takes place tomorrow
as scheduled.
And then Wagner's brother shoots Colonel Klink.
Now, come on, General,
think of how long you've known Colonel Klink.
Think of the things
you two have been through together.
If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself.
Schultz?
Jawohl.
Colonel Hogan is leaving.
Yeah?
Good-bye.
Dummkopf! Take him out of here.
Raus! Out, out, out!
I'm going. I'm going.
And stay out!
If there was only some way
to make Klink important enough to trade.
Hmm...
Colonel... Quiet.
I think Colonel Hogan's
about to come up with another one
of those great ideas.
He had that same look on his face
the other night when he got us into this mess.
( stammers )
W-we got in this mess,
so it wasn't just...
It's all right, Carter.
You're right.
I thought of the kidnap job.
But this idea might do it.
Do what?
What does the name "Nimrod" mean?
He's the finest intelligence man we have.
Yeah, the Germans offered
a four million marks reward for his capture.
What's he got to do with it, Colonel?
He's the mystery man of the war,
operates right in the German's backyard,
personally responsible for the Nazi's defeat
in two major campaigns,
all the while posing as the commandant of a prison camp.
No kidding.
Which one?
The infamous Stalag 13.
Wow!
Come on, Colonel. Not Klink.
Yes.
That fumbling, bumbling Colonel Wilhelm Klink.
Hardly anyone would believe that story.
You think the Krauts will?
It all depends on how well we tell it.
Naturally, you will do everything in your power
to apprehend the parties responsible for this outrage.
May we leave no stone unturned.
Oh, don't go to all that trouble.
( phone ringing )
Klink's private line is ringing; that's odd.
Hello.
Is it safe to talk, Klink?
Ja, it's safe.
Well, we've got another one for you, Nimrod,
and it's a big one, old boy.
Anyone there wise to you yet?
Uh, no.
Good show.
After this, Nimrod, G-2's pulling you out.
Now I have a coded message.
Listen closely.
Ja...
Ja.
Memorize it, old boy.
And then eat it.
We've got him. We've got him.
We've got who?
Nimrod.
Nimrod, that British agent?
Ja, that's right.
The most wanted man in Germany and we've got him.
No, we don't got him. They got him.
But we can still get him.
What are you babbling about?
That phone call-- it was a message...
Oh, excuse me a moment, General.
"Mairzy Doats Little Boy Blue."
( mumbling )
I realize this is hard to believe, General,
but Klink...
Hochstetter!
Take that paper out of your mouth.
Oh, sorry, General.
I got so excited.
This news has me so excited.
Here, read this.
You read it to me, please, Major.
Well, it's in code.
It's some kind of instructions for Nimrod.
I'll call headquarters
and have them send over a cryptologist.
No, wait a minute. I am a cryptologist.
I was the top man in my unit.
This will be no trick at all.
I got it. I told you.
Didn't I tell you I could break this code?
For two hours you have been telling me that.
What they're using here
is a variation on the old Vessenhofer cipher--
basic vowel substitutes.
"A" becomes "E" if followed by "P."
When preceded by "U," then "E" becomes "B,"
and "U" becomes "P"
and sometimes "Y."
Except after "C."
However, what they've done here...
Just read the message.
The message is "I am foul.
Clerch let in Cradnick."
This is the message?
Obviously, it's not the code.
Ja, obviously, that's not the code.
Oh, it's the old double look message.
I will crack this in no time at all.
Why don't you just call headquarters
and let them send over an expert?
This whole thing doesn't make sense.
The idea of Klink
being a British agent is ridiculous.
Ja, I could not believe it myself,
but you were here, you heard the phone ring,
you saw me write down the message,
so you know I'm not crazy.
Yes, I heard the phone ring.
I heard you say, "Mairzy Doats,"
and I watched you eat a wad of paper.
They've been long enough with the code.
Now's the time to move in.
Newkirk. Sir.
You know what to do. Right.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I was told to come and clean out the commandant's office.
Go ahead.
You might as well start with that desk.
Right, sir.
He's been keeping you busy I see, sir.
Get me Gestapo headquarters, please.
Oh, my goodness me.
The old Wellington cipher.
Wellington cipher?
It's the first one they taught us
at cryptology, this was.
I don't suppose they've used this code
for, oh, over 100 years.
We have just been talking about that ourselves.
Yes.
You know this Wellington cipher?
Well, I'm not an expert like the major, sir.
Don't be too sure of that.
Let's see if your translation is the same as his.
All right, sir.
Be a bit of a challenge.
I haven't done this for years.
Very simple, though.
Now I make it out to be...
"Secret plans... hidden..."
What is this?
Looks like a name.
Hilda.
"Secret plans hidden Hilda's desk."
Does that sound right to you, sir?
That sounds perfect.
I thought it would.
Well, that does it.
I've taken all the necessary precautions.
In a few minutes, Nimrod will be my prisoner.
It just doesn't seem possible,
how I could have been so fooled by Klink.
Ah, Nimrod is a very brilliant man.
Yes, but Klink is such a stupid one.
That is where he was truly brilliant.
You only thought he was stupid.
Everybody thought he was stupid.
How do you suppose he got these?
I haven't even been shown these plans.
Odd-looking aircraft, isn't it?
Yeah, it seems awfully big.
Any time now.
Now, let us remember to act calmly, General.
I do not want him to suspect anything
when he walks in.
These guards are trigger-happy,
and I want Nimrod alive.
Why don't we take our positions over here?
It will look as if we are just about to say good-bye.
That should be a very natural scene, huh?
He's here.
Hold your fire.
General, why don't you stand over here,
and I will stand right over here
behind the office door
and being shaking hands with you.
Why don't we just be saying good-bye under the desk?
Oh, General Burkhalter.
Oh, Major Hochstetter.
Oh, my dear friends.
What I have been through.
Don't move or you're a dead man.
I don't understand.
Don't you, Nimrod?
What is your real name?
My name is Wilhelm Klink.
Now, anyone knows that.
You all know that-- Wilhelm Klink.
( chuckles )
This is a joke?
A little prank?
Oh, marvelous.
After what I've been through, I could use a good laugh.
( laughs )
No one else could use a good laugh?
Bah, after a little questioning at headquarters,
we will see who laughs last.
( whimpering )
Fraulein Hilda, will you please send for my car?
If ever I saw a guilty man, that is the one.
He still looks like stupid old Klink to me.
I think, General, you will be convinced
once I have gotten a signed confession.
( yells )
All right.
Just want to see the commandant a moment.
The commandant will not be seeing anyone for a while.
It'll only take a second.
I wanted to ask if he had gotten the plans yet
for the Hindenburg.
The men are eager to get to work on the models
that they got from the Red Cross.
Hindenburg?
Models?
Ooh, there they are.
That's swell.
Oh, you got the plans, too? Good.
Give my best to Klink.
The plans-- you gave him the plans.
Those plans are for a dirigible.
A big bag filled with hot air,
just like you.
But the phone call, the code...
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Major Hochstetter.
Hello, Hochstetter here.
Just called to let you know
that Hans Wagner arrived safely.
I do hope Colonel Klink did, too.
Oh, and awfully nice doing business with you, Major.
How do you volunteer for the Eastern Front?
No problem.
I'll have you there by tomorrow.
All right, Carter, you're my dishwasher tonight.
Let somebody else do it.
I want to get this finished before lights-out.
Work before play, dishwasher. Come on.
Who's playing?
Colonel said we were building model planes.
I think we better have some around
in case they decide to check out the story.
That's using your head, Carter.
When will you have that done?
Guess about the same time those dishes are finished.
Oh, really? All right, all right.
I'll do the dishes. I can use the humility.
Andrew, this doesn't look like the Hindenburg.
Well, give me a chance to finish.
After I put on the rocket mounts
and the turbo jets and the canons,
then it's going to look like the Hindenburg.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Rocket mounts? Turbo jets?
That's what it says in the plans.
Messerschmitt XL-12 jet propulsion.
These aren't the plans for the Hindenburg.
Where'd you get them?
Well, they were in the box
with the model parts.
They were folded up in the top like this one.
It's a note.
"My dear Colonel,
"clever the way you got Wagner out of that prison camp.
"Kindly be just as clever
"and get these plans out of this one.
"Till we meet again...
Nimrod."